Hi anyone. This will be something of a departure from what I usually write (unless I can shoe horn a flimsy excuse in to this somehow!) Today I want to talk about food. Food is my weakness as sometimes I may nibble on a cracker or something just because I can't thing of anything to do - sad I know.
Part of the reason for not being able to think of anything to do is that most things need money! The only reasonable way to have money is to work and if you work you won't have time! Good old catch 22!
I cook most days and my brother tells me I'm quite good at it. Mostly I use a slow cooker which is a great and easy way to make a meal. You can chop up vegetables, meat and throw them in, set it to cook come back at least five hours later and you have a meal. I should also mention that liquid is always needed in such a meal.
Why am I talking about this?
The truth is I don't even know. I want to post regular things here and so it seems a good idea to talk about something. I know that pictures would be good - but what of? Me seated at a computer typing?
I'd love to put up stories the problem with that is that magazines and competitions often want exclusivity.
However there is one story I wrote fairly recently that doesn't fall into that category so here it is. This was for a fan fic competition.
The Trouble with Winged Cats
The nacelles of the USS Endeavour had been flung several kilometres when the ship crashed. They had hurled through the air and smacked into the side of a volcano, busting into flames. The pylons themselves could still move like the leg stumps of a Tarkalean Salamander before it regrew its limbs.
The injuries among the crew had been light and there was little else to do but await rescue. While the captain was on leave, command fell to the executive officer – Lieutenant commander Wesley Crusher. He stood outside of the ship and surveyed the damage.
“The captain's not going like this.”
“You destroyed his ship!” Lieutenant Ayala exclaimed. “I'd say he'll be rather peeved. I hate Intrepid class starships!”
“Come on let's...”
Crusher was interrupted by a rustling in the trees. He placed a hand on his phaser as a creature came towards them. It was built like a rhinoceros but had a wide jaw like a crocodile. It charged. Crusher drew his phaser and pressed the trigger.
Nothing.
“Run!” Crusher cried. They ran. Crusher slapped his com-badge and requested an emergency beam out. The blue transporter beam took them, leaving the charging creature bemused.
Crusher thanked the transporter chief as they materialised, and headed for the bridge.
“Sir,” Ensign Mathewson said, “we have a problem.” Mathewson activated the view screen which showed hundreds of the rhinoceros-crocodiles heading towards the ship.
“We tried repelling them with the phasers but something prevents them from working in this environment.”
“We know,” Crusher said, “why did you do that? Surely they can't cause any damage to the ship?”
“If they charge together they could easily break through the hull.”
“Torpedoes?”
“They're too close. We'd just end up blowing ourselves up.”
“Ah,” said Crusher.
“Ah indeed,” said Ayala.
The monochromatic environment of the holodeck was a welcome break after hours of working on the phaser problem. The rhinoceros-crocodiles hadn't moved from their position.
Crusher enjoyed the ridiculousness of the holodeck; the over-the-top villains, the sexy slave girls and the complete lack of scientific accuracy or internal consistency. He ran along the rocky environment checking behind him and firing periodically.
“Those robots couldn't catch a cold on Breen!” Ayala said.
“Got to get in to the spirit of things – it's all make believe anyway!”
Ayala remained unconvinced. He shot behind him and one of the robots burst into orange flames. “I do love the splash of colour though!”
“Thought it added something.”
They hid for a couple of minutes behind a convenient outcrop of rock. The jittering, non-threatening robots shuffled past them.
“Now what?” Ayala asked.
“Now we head towards the fortress, rescue the damsels in distress and avoid Chaotica's death squads.”
Before they could move on to the fortress a call came over the comm, “Commander Crusher please report to the bridge,”
Crusher acknowledged the signal and ordered the program saved and closed. They were once again standing in their uniforms on the silver hologrid.
As Crusher stepped onto the bridge Mathewson was looking pensive. Standing next to him was Nicola Coats. She was the six year old daughter of the ship's chief engineer.
“Hello,” Crusher smiled.
“Hello,” she said. “I have an idea.”
“Go ahead,” Crusher said.
After Nicola had told Crusher her idea Ayala asked to speak with him in the ready room.
“Let me guess,” Crusher said, as the doors hissed shut, “you don't like this idea.”
“It's insane!”
“You have a better idea?”
“No,” Ayala said, “but that doesn't mean we should do this either.”
“When I was on the Enterprise,” Crusher began, “I...”
“Saved the ship every other week!” Ayala said.
“Well yeah,” Crusher smiled. “Those poor schlups would be dead without me. Without my repulsor beam...”
“It was you who caused the problem in the first place!”
“Oh, you knew about that one,” said Crusher sheepishly. “This plan could work. You know how often a holodeck malfunctions. Why not put it to good use? Please set up the holographic perimeter.”
“Aye sir.”
The rhinoceros-crocodile creatures ignored the team setting up the perimeter. Crusher and Ayala met in the hololab to design their attacking force.
“We need a predator of some sort.”
“Nothing could penetrate their hides!”
“We only need to scare them,” Crusher said. “Computer, show me a tiger.”
There was a stuttering sound and the noise or a typewriter typing before an image was finally projected. At first they could see nothing. Then they heard a sound.
“Meow.”
As they looked over the edge of the control console they saw a small tabby cat. It sat down and began to lick itself.
“Is it me or is that not terribly threatening?” Ayala asked.
“At least it's a cat.”
“Let me try something,” Ayala said. “Computer, show me a unicorn.”
The computer stuttered again and a floating sea creature appeared. It had a long horn but certainly wasn't a unicorn.
“That's a narwhal!” exclaimed Ayala.
“Something is definitely wrong...”
The narwhal moved towards the small cat. Its jaw opened wider than should have been possible and it devoured the cat with a burp. Suddenly the narwhal's flippers changed to hairy legs and it began to prowl around.
Ayala said, “Computer, show me an albatross and a pterodactyl.”
The computer made its stuttering noises again and projected two flying creatures – a sparrow and a pegasus. The pegasus charged forward and batted the sparrow into its mouth with a wing. Then the narwhal-cat and pegasus turned their attention to each other. They padded the ground and charged. As they collided they mushed together like two balls of clay and became one creature. It was mostly cat with green eyes and fur but somehow it had grown to be about two metres high – it had the wings of the pegasus and the horn of the narwhal.
“We have our mount,” Crusher said. “What do you think?”
“I think you're mad, sir.”
“Computer, save, copy and paste the current hologram.”
The computer made stuttering gutteral noises and they heard the noise of the holo projectors.
“What happened?” Ayala asked.
Crusher looked dumbfounded. The process had not created another cat-pegasus-narwhal. Crusher stared at his friend.
“Don't look at your hands,” Crusher said.
Gingerly Ayala did just that – they were green. “What the hell!”
“You appear to have the holo-skin of an...”
“Orion?”
“An ogre,” Crusher spluttered, unable to contain his mirth.
Ayala ran his hands over his head. His ears were now pointing outwards. His hair had vanished and he was dressed in armour with spiked shoulder pads.
“I'll fix it,” Crusher said.
“No!” Ayala said. His voice had deepened. “At least I can fight like this.”
Crusher nodded and considered that they still needed weapons. He crossed to the creature and tentatively petted it. The cat purred and lowered itself so that Crusher could get on its back. He spoke commands to the computer to get weapons. After questions regarding definition of weapons it eventually gave Ayala a battleaxe and Crusher a long glistening spear.
“What are you wearing?” Ayala asked.
Crusher looked down. He hadn't noticed that the hololab had changed his appearance too. His black uniform had transformed into dark blue hot pants and a sweatshirt sporting a smiling clown face.
“Let's sort this out,” he said. “These things are chafing.”
They were beamed, and the holograms were transferred, outside of the ship. Ayala's ogre form remained.
“I hope you can undo this,” he said.
“Don't worry,” replied Crusher. “When we leave the holofield you should be back to normal.”
“Should?”
“Get up here.”
Ayala jumped up on the cat behind Crusher. With a single pat from Crusher the creature spread its wings and took to the sky. They flew low towards the rhinoceros-crocodiles but the creatures didn't even flinch.
“What are they waiting for?” Crusher asked.
“That,” Ayala said. Crusher turned the beast round to look over the Endeavour. Lava was spreading out from the volcano.
“How did we not notice that?” Crusher exclaimed.
“Funky ore?”
“We've got to stop it before it reaches the Endeavour.”
“How? We are riding a monstrosity.”
“Ever herded sheep?”
“Your suggesting we use the creatures as a barrier? That's like using a bucket with a hole in to stop the Titanic from sinking.”
“I must be losing my edge. You got any ideas?”
“No,” Ayala said, “but then I didn't save the flagship every other week in my youth!”
“At least my captain was sane.”
“True. What are we going to do?”
Crusher didn't know. He hated the feeling and searched his brain but could think of nothing.
“What about the destructo beam,” Ayala said.
“Sorry?”
“Captain Proton's rocket.”
“I know what it is,” said Crusher. “What are you suggesting?”
“Well in Attack of the Spiders he divert a lava flow.”
“Good idea,” Crusher said, “But the way the computer is behaving we can't be sure we'll get the rocket.”
“Indeed.” Ayala said. “What does that spear of yours do? It has to be in the database.”
Crusher slapped his com-badge, “Crusher to Endeavour.”
Little Nicola Coats told them that the spear had come from a fantasy game and was the weapon of choice for a goblin to terrorise medieval villages. Nicola was able to give a detailed description of what it could do.
“This'll work,” Crusher said.
“Yes. We'll need more holo-emitters.”
Teams of two were sent to the hololab to prep for their mission. The voice recognition system still malfunctioned and a hodgepodge of four groups materialised outside the ship. Two ensigns rode a fell beast, two others rode a mix of a roc and a penguin, another pair an ostrich with the wings of a pterodactyl, and finally a pair that looked embarrassed as they sat astride an overgrown sparrow.
“Excellent,” Crusher said, “follow me.”
The flight of weird creatures followed behind Crusher's monstrosity. Each carried a sack of holo-emitters. They flew to the edge of the holofield – a few metres further forward and their mounts could disappear.
“Here,” Crusher said.
Ayala pulled out a small holo-emitter. He tapped a control then flung it down. The emitter let out a small parachute as it glided just a little off target.
“Next,” Crusher said.
All four members of the flight dropped their emitters in co-ordination. As each set was let go the area in which they could fly increased. They were soon able to fly around the entire lava flow.
“Ready?” Ayala asked.
“Ready,” Crusher took a deep breath, gripped the cat with his thighs and kicked it off. The cat-pegasus flew towards the lava flow. Crusher took aim. They came in closer. And closer.
Crusher threw the spear. It shot down to the ground and embedded, more or less, where he had aimed. It made a small crater of earth, which became a trench as it turned back on itself and then back across the lava flow towards the mountains. Crusher watched as the lava was turned away from the Endeavour.
“Maybe we should think of a more permanent solution,” Ayala said, “and stop me from being a ogre and you from wearing that ridiculous top!”
Personal Log Stardate 56954.5. I've been reassigned to head up a new division of Starfleet security. Out job will be to investigate the viability of holographic defences. Our departmental symbol will be a cat-pegasus-narwhal.
Hope that that gave you some mild enjoyment.
See you soon.
"Do'h." Homer Simpson
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